I Am Love
by icanloveyoumorethanthis
Summary: Kendall lies in Logan's arms, sweaty and red-faced, and reflects on all he has been through to get to this moment. Kendall angst.


When Kendall was five and a half years old his mother delivered a baby; a beautiful girl Kendall was allowed to name. He named her Buttercup, after his favourite Powerpuff Girl. His father put her name down as Katherine.

Katherine pooped and vomited a lot and hogged all the attention. Kendall tried to talk to his Daddy but he was always upset when Kendall brought home bad marks. Once he locked Kendall is his closet and told him he couldn't come out until he could count by twos all the way to a hundred. Kendall was too scared to tell him he couldn't even count to a hundred one by one, so he sat in the closet and cried until Mommy unlocked the door.

* * *

When Kendall was six his Mommy and Daddy began to fight a lot because Kendall was too dumb. Kendall, in the ultimate act of selflessness, relinquished his lunchtimes of rock-fights and chasey for the school library, studying his books as much as he could so they could all be happy again. Katie produced her first four teeth and followed Kendall around insistently, speaking gibberish and dribbling on his shirt and tearing up his homework sheets. The first time it happened Kendall's Dad screamed so loud the neighbours became worried. The second time it happened Kendall was locked in the closet for the second time in his life, only school had taught him of the bogey-man and he was terrified. His Mommy and Daddy stayed up all night fighting again and Kendall listened to Katie cry into the night with a tinge of satisfaction, because it was her fault they were fighting this time and he was tired of blaming himself.

* * *

When Kendall was seven his Mommy and Daddy went to court a lot and had a lot of fights in front of the lady in the wig. Kendall clutched Katie's small, chubby hand and watched as big words were tossed back and forth. He didn't know what happened, but after the weeks of court visits Kendall's Mommy was taking Katie and crying and hugging Kendall and saying goodbye, and all he could repeat was 'Where are you going?' before she drove away on the bright, sunny morning of May the 29th. His father held his shoulder and said 'it's just you and me now, bud', and Kendall couldn't recall a moment when he'd felt more alone.

* * *

When he was eight Kendall's perfect record failed him. He got a seven out of ten for his science test, and his Dad didn't let him eat dinner and slapped his face really hard. Kendall wasn't allowed to tell anyone about it, not even his best friend Carlos, but that was okay because Kendall didn't want Carlos knowing how dumb he really was.

* * *

When he was nine he and Carlos met James. James was pretty and talented and everything Kendall wished he was, and he loved him. His Dad let him go to Carlos' house for the first time that year because James' Mom came and asked him to let him and James go together personally. Kendall loved Carlos' family. He loved how there was a sort of feeling behind each word they spoke to each other, whether it was rude or sweet or angry. He really liked listening for that feeling, because he'd only ever heard it in his Mom's voice and he hadn't seen his Mom in a long, long time. Kendall went to sleep wondering what Katie looked like now, and whether she'd recognise him if they ever met again.

* * *

When he was eleven Kendall began to have problems sleeping. He did bad at math because of this and at their parent-teacher conference Kendall's dad screamed at him in front of everyone. Kendall was humiliated and embarrassed and was promptly locked in the closet for a full day, with a bucket and a bottle of water for entertainment. He went to school with a bruise hidden under his bowler-cut, a blessing James cursed at everyday. It covered what needed to be covered, and hey, Kendall had never liked girls anyway, so there was no one to impress.

* * *

When he was thirteen Kendall sucked his first dick. It was in his own bed on a Saturday afternoon. His father was downstairs watching TV. It went so far down his throat and he gagged a lot, but it was efficient and the man gave his Dad a lot of money before he left. Kendall was given four dollars and he used it to buy mouthwash.

James and Carlos noticed he was becoming reclusive, and Kendall told them to get off his case.

* * *

When he was fourteen Kendall's father decided it was time he took it up the ass. His first client was the size of a coke can and Kendall bled all over his bed, like a fucking girl on her period. He got eighty-four percent for his science class and was locked in the closet for two full days, pulling at his hair and scratching at his skin to keep him grounded, promising himself he wouldn't fuck up the next year.

* * *

When he was fifteen Kendall met Logan. Logan was smart. He was smarter than Kendall, though Kendall got higher grades. While Kendall poured over his text books every night to understand, Logan didn't need to. His mind understood everything. Logan didn't like Kendall because he thought he was bossy and sometimes rude. Kendall didn't like Logan because he thought he was trying to steal James and Carlos away, and they were his rocks, his saviours. Without them, he was finished.

* * *

When Kendall was sixteen Logan found out. He'd snuck into Kendall's room at night because Kendall had told them a million times to stop doing it, and he just wanted to spite him. Kendall shoved him in his wardrobe and his Dad told him to get ready for Mike and waited at the door and Kendall desperately, desperately hoped Logan wouldn't hear a thing. But Mike was too fucking loud and Logan came out an hour later and hugged Kendall the tightest he'd ever been hugged as Kendall cried, whispering apology after apology into Kendall's ear and letting his own tears fall. Kendall made him promise not to tell and bit his fingernails as Logan jumped back through the window and headed home.

* * *

When he was seventeen Kendall's Dad beat him up so bad he couldn't breath. Logan called the cops and Kendall watched his father through blurry eyes and a hazy mind as he was dragged away in handcuffs, screaming words Kendall could decipher. Logan and James and Carlos held him in a group hug and he cried into their shoulders and thought the only thing that would make this more perfect would be to have Katie and his Mommy again.

* * *

When he was eighteen Kendall had his first real kiss. It was with Logan and it was stars and butterflies and cartwheels and ice-cream on a summer day. Mrs Diamond found his Mom and Katie and they met properly for the first time. Katie didn't remember him and all his Mom did was cry into his shoulder, whispering apologies which were long overdue. Kendall and Katie bonded over a game of Monopoly (Kendall and Katie versus James and Logan versus Carlos and Mrs Knight) and Katie punched Kendall in the stomach because it was his fault her middle name was Buttercup. Kendall, sure her name had been Katherine Beverly Knight, realised his mother had changed it and felt honoured, remembering his disappointment when his father had brushed off his decision and gone with his own. He hugged and kissed the girls of his family before going to sleep on James' bottom bunk, his bed for the next couple of years.

* * *

When they were nineteen Kendall and Logan made love. It was emotional and heated and beautiful. Kendall's face slowly turned red and his breath came out in gasps and he let his head fall onto Logan's chest when it was over. Logan told him he was beautiful and Kendall heard that feeling in his voice, the feeling he'd heard in Carlos' family, and he knew it was love.

"I love you, Logan."

"I love you too, Kendall."

* * *

**Not my best work. :/ Title is taken from Jason Mraz's I Won't Give Up. BTR's cover is amazing. Kendall fucking owned his part.**


End file.
